Grown into Grace

 

IMG_3369

 

Caught in a whirlwind or two.
Divinely, my sail caught the winds of you,
and changed my point of view.
Never hopelessly lost, you see.
Spirit wind set its course for me.

And calmed the waters of a troubled soul.
Pulled the anchor from the depths below.
Set a horizon of direction
in this heart of mine.

– Watermark

 

I left organized religion a few years ago. When I say I left religion I do not mean I lost my faith or belief in God. However, the damage that organized religion caused in my own life set me on a path to seek out what faith really means and just how far God’s love and grace actually extends.

I’ll never forget the beginning of my divorce. I remember crying and saying, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever done, this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to someone.” I also remember thinking that this was too big, too big for grace to cover. I was so scared I’d never heal, never be forgiven, never find restoration.

I had no idea that the very grace I doubted could cover me would ultimately be what has carried me through some of the hardest moments of my life.

These years have been hard. I’ve struggled emotionally, physically, financially, and of course spiritually. I lost my house and then my puppy in the same year. I have had my heart broken over and over again. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so much in my entire life.

But I found a grace so much bigger than I ever imagined in all the little moments that were still beautiful despite the heartache and pain.

I completed my degree and received high honors while parenting, working, and finalizing a divorce.

I gained a village to raise my child with, a friend and an ally in my daughters Step Mother. This is one of the most beautiful gifts. Our family may not be made of blood but it is most definitely made of LOVE.

I found a new passion in Sailing. It has been one of the most therapeutic parts of this journey, both empowering and calming to my soul.

I have met some of the most wonderful people along the way. I would never have had the opportunity to know them if I had not set out on this journey.

I have grown and I have changed in so many ways. I’ve found my voice and comfort in my own skin. I have solidified my core values and learned what it means to stand my ground despite my fear.

I am watching my daughter become an incredible person full of love, tenacity, intuition, and joy. She is brave, she is strong, she is kind.

I am still standing, I still have hope.

All of this … Grace, amazing, overwhelming, unfailing grace. God is not inside the walls of religion. God is not confined by tradition and expectation. He walks beside us, he is in the moments of every day, mundane life.

Grace never gives up, there’s nothing so big that it can not be covered by grace. I know because I live and breathe in it every day and I always have. Now I know. I have finally grown into grace.

In the darkest moments of the soul, I hope you too will find the beauty and the Grace.

What If …

IMG_0769.JPG

What if we stopped worrying so much about what others are thinking and just allowed ourselves the freedom of being real? We are all in this crazy, chaotic, wonderfully messy, beautiful life together. Yet, we isolate ourselves because we’re afraid of others seeing our real, authentic selves.

I don’t have it all together, you don’t have it all together, but what if we decided to just do this thing called life together anyway?

We strive so hard to prove ourselves and find such loneliness in the process. We are hard wired for love, connection, and community.

What if we let go of our need for perfection? What if we allowed others to see us for who we really are? I know … It makes me cringe too. I don’t want others to see my dark, my weakness, my vulnerability. It’s scary to allow someone that close. But we have to open ourselves up to allow the light in …

So let me begin … Here I am and I have no idea where I’m going quite yet. Life has never gone according to my plan. Yet, the more I focus on how plans fell through, went haywire, or just plain fell apart the less time I’m able to spend in the moments of beauty that flow through each day of my life.

We will never do it all right, we will never attain perfection, we will never have it all together … The facade that these things are attainable keeps us apart. It’s time to let it go, to the let the love and light of connection flood the deepest, darkest parts of our souls.

We all, we all, we’re gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us. – Ingrid Michaelson